Inner thoughts

Lately there has been so many thoughts harbouring in my mind, they've taken over every day, which have passed by without me being able to get rid of them, sometimes I think I suffer slightly because I can not express myself so I hope to be sufficient, writing them down until I'm done doing it, maybe it will help me somehow to start concentrating in more essential things that matter for know and vent my emotions, hereby I give it a try.

Anyway what is very unusual in all this is that my uneasiness is due to the love I have for someone which has never occurred me before, a marvellous extraordinary beautiful gal I've never done such a thing like to fall in love so strongly and sharply. Since I was a child there has been some people which friendship I treasured and with some of them who I no longer have any contact in the present I cherish those memories once shared with them, I reckon you could say I am an ingrate because I could talk such good things about them yet I haven't really done a great effort to retrieve their friendship meeting them again and trying to keep any contact whatsoever but thing is I don't like witnessing how a relationship darkens throughout time so better I hold off and keep away from them. When you're a kid and the people you used to share with move to other school or something, get other friends and live far away from you and it's not like if you could easily visit them so your interest in meeting them leaks slowly against your first will or even promises of never neglect or forget them. Anyway it depends on everyone like it's been said in lots of poetry so many times, no time itself nor distance are real barriers that can hinder real love.

Long before we started the first day of classes I googled her and looked for her in facebook you could say I did a brief research pushed by my curiosity of knowing who the new student would be because first I got into the college website so I could find out if they put me in the same classroom with my friends there everyone had their pics uploaded in the page, everyone but some new girl, she was pictured with a lame unreal drawing so after numerous and even copious attempts I wasn't pretty sure which of those facebook biographies was hers, fortunately and I would find out in a close future I nailed it on one of them even when it wasn't her face she had as profile picture, it was an anime photo of a short and black-haired girl with crossed legs blushed and smiling while holding a playstation control, afterwards I noticed she resembles this picture in real life as well as the fact that she like videogames.

The first day like all the years we assembled in the soccer field facing the gallery while it took place some kind of inaugural ceremony for the new year, by that moment it was itching me knowing who would it be the new girl, by the way the students weren't changed so I had to bear the idea of having the same classmates as the year before in the senior year, it had its pros and cons the good part was I wasn't separated from my friends and the not so good part I wasn't able to know other ones because I didn't really like so much the other students except for one or two. From this outlook there is no wonder I wanted to know who she was because it would be a notable change in the background. Anyway I don't recall very well have noticed her being there but what I can't forget is when she came around for the first time and got into the classroom she really was the fairest of all girls I could ever put my eyes on, looking at her was a mirage she was a sight for sore eyes from that moment on I got a crush with her so strong it was truly enchanting every bit of my senses with her perfection and cuteness. 

Out of my daydreaming I could see she was a little bit shy I don't know but I was so crazy inside I hope none ever noticed how I was burning inwards just for looking at her, like it was expected we introduced ourselves the first day and maybe until the second one, she told us all she came from the north from a school I later figured out was only girls admitted there because I sneaked into her photos where she seemed to be surrounded only by girls, however I was dying for have the luck and beat the odds getting to seat just in front, back or even beside her but I was disappointed so badly when I was seated in the very front of the very fucking middle row when she was second in the last row from the door, it was worrying also about not being close to my friends because even when normally being close to them decreases your grades in school our case was way different when we where together we could easily get high grades helping each other and even talking about academic topics thing that I enjoyed even though most of my classmates wouldn't have like.

Like most paradigms mine could be wrong and I maybe pretty well lying and telling no truth about other people's affairs or intentions but the way I explain them are fairly the way I thought of them once and still think now so its unexpectable to have an accurate perspective but a subjective one of everything.

Writing our thoughts it's maybe more likely to be seen like a girly thing more than a traditional manly macho one, I thought maybe doing it will surely relieve the pain in my brain and my heart but at the very least what is doing is freeing these ideas slightly and it's calming down the rampage and hustle of my mind, this is not a love story I have given many thoughts to that, usually in a love story being this catastrophic or with happy ending two people love each other but no, this is a story in which only a man loved a girl and suffered living a life in which the only girl he's ever really love doesn't care about him or not enough as he'd like to, yet it must be worse those stories when they actually love each other and get separated for external reasons, both tragedies are different afflictions and miseries nevertheless the human feeling take over the consequences on both of them in different ways yet connected for the fondness and love.

Getting back into road even when I am  usually shy and misfit I could build a friendship with the girl seating behind me sometimes I thought I liked her but one thing its for sure I grew very fond of her and I expected, wished an longed her to success because it seemed like she had passion and was singled-minded in looking for what she wanted to do and achieve in life, sometimes I did hide these from her I mean in my mind, because she also had confidence and knew what she was capable of I don't think she needed strongly someone to tell her so.

Here it comes the first time I got out of the cocoon and could approach this girl it was when I push in into a kinda party for the standard-bearers if that's how you say it talking about those students who obtained the highest grades throughout their lifetime in school and college, so unsurprisingly she was there along with a guy who was kind of my friend or something, even better, friend of one friend of mine I would hate him after on, it was getting over, by the way I was a gatecrasher there because of a friend who was part of that group, so like I was saying I was thinking about talking to her, it would be great I would only have to approach her and congratulate her for making that achievements so I did it and I felt so happy inside yet a little sad for not being able to be her friend, who would  want just being her friend I wanted something more but it was a reverie.

Scarcely it's a way to describe how it was later on the relation we had because of my dumbness and awkwardness even when maybe thanks to the girl behind me she used to come and talk to us or to her I don't know but I got sometimes into their conversation, when I was alone with her it was so awkward I remember once without recalling a reason I was grasping her hand for something and I think I hurt her because the next week, maybe it happened on a Friday maybe not she had bandaged her wrist what an idiot fucking bastard I was, I really hurt her wrist what kind of idiotic piece of slag would do that to the girl he likes, it had to be me who else!

By that time I was tired and bored of hanging out around the school with my friends, it wasn't because of them I was the culprit I just wanted to do something else I got interest in sports from the year before when I started liking strength sports like strongman competitions, weightlifting, power lifting and even body-building, so that year I mean in 5th I used to train three times a week in the athleticism group of the college for the last four months of that scholar year and sometimes I went to a gym for training strength I really love strength I like the power you feel when you get a bar off the ground with almost twice your bodyweight that sensation is beyond description alike when you get your ass on the ground with  burden in your back and you have to lift it and stand up again with your legs trembling and your mind collapsing while you feel your entire body to be pushed beyond limits, you should try it someday it's even therapeutic I think and I feel more confident relieved from the problems when I train, it gives you mental peace and a healthy body, maybe that's why I would chose Physical Therapy over Medicine because I want to help people to move better and retrieve their capacity to do impressive things whatever they work maybe. Thing is I used to spend all the day's breaks sacredly to train in the outdoor equipment for military training which was getting rusty due to under-usage in high school, it has everything parallel bars, pull-up bas, an horizontal ladder, benchs, and a giant ladder for climb which name I ignore, with a friend who was the only one willing to train as well so we almost never wasted a break hanging around but strengthening ourselves. One day she came by and ran into me climbing, she seemed to be somehow impressed so much so she complimented me telling me in class I was strong not directly but I don't quite remember but nobody never had told me that I didn't know what to tell her I liked to know someone appreciated it or at least noticed it and much better if it was her Oh my God! she even smiled at me if it wasn't my imagination I was so happy even when for most people it may seemed to be an irrelevant or unimportant thing, she also told me she used to do gymnastics being a child, fuck sake I loved her I really loved her, she once even handstanded in the ground wow that was astounding  she said she currently wasn't practicing it, but who cares, the more I knew her the more I plummeted in my delusion imagining how would it feel to get to know her more and share things with her, be with her, taking her out, all the incredible things we could do even those of inappropriate and smoochy nature.

It's possible some of this things aren't chronologically reliable because of my current memory disorder and mental bustle, she turned out to be presumably in a relationship with this friend's friend who I started to hate even when I always thought we has a good person I could't bear to see them together It just ripped up my heart and torn my mental health so I acted like nothing the fuck was happening deceiving myself  pretending to be tough about it even once I told her they made a lovely couple, after some time they broke up or at least I was told so. 

I didn't know what to do I started to suspect she just was kind to me when we use to talk but she wouldn't see me the way I saw her not nearly, maybe I was so maudlin but I was uneasy any-time I was close to her yet cowardly I did nothing about it. Once I managed to go to her house to help her studying but I felt uncomfortable because every word that passed through my mind to tell her for creating any conversation was nothing except I love you or any of its variations in different degrees of impertinence or untimeliness yet I liked being able to look at her so close, at her beautiful face, her delicate skin and that sexy hair and eyes, her stare so deep you can feel she is reading your soul and charming your heart I got lost in her overall beauty and again I couldn't speak my mind.

When I found out she was "single" I dared to tell the girl behind I liked her and after some days she told me she was in love with a friend of hers, I mean the girl behind, this guy was almost perfect I came to think even that if I were a woman I would as well like him nonetheless for me he seemed to be the so conceited, smug, presumtous, airy and boastful peerless fucking asshole, then is when I started getting depressed, I have never cared before that much about other person's affair it was not of my business yet my eyes scorched at any sight of them being close, so pathetic.

Then I almost got the opportunity of telling her once in a retirement of the classroom which was intended to clear our souls, get in harmony with God, our classmates or some bullshit, at least I thought that before, speaking the truth was a very constructive experience one-off and unrepeatable we somehow got to know each other, our problems, everyone opened themselves more or less, I realized everyone was a warrior in his own reality battling against family problems, academic problems, friends problems, all kind of personal situations we wouldn't even guess or have a clue before it was spoken there. She caught me by surprise when she talked, we were settled in a circle with one of us talking in the middle, she told us she had some problems almost everyone said they had family problems but she unburdened herself and admitted sometime ago she used to do self-harming which would explain she had a delicate wrist but beyond that I imagined gloomily her suffering, that during those times when I didn't have courage nor the balls enough for going and fucking talk to her, tell her how beautiful she was, tell her how wonderful she looked like, how her smile sparks like doors of heaven, how their eyes seemed so mysteriously appealing and her sole sight so warm for who was looking at her but instead I wasn't there to help her even if she didn't want my help at least I would've tried, I'm certainly a douchebag.

It made me sad but it wasn´t fucking about me it was about her I should've stop being selfish, later on we had to ask people to describe us and say how they see us then write it down in a paper, I thought it was personal, confidential, only for work on it by ourselves so I was really honest given that none would read or talk out loud what I said, she came to ask me and I told her after thinking about the only thing I could say about her not being something related to "You're perfect, beautiful, intelligent, charismatic alluring, atractive or something like that", that she was enigmatic then we were told to read it and she did so, everyone realized I loved her.

Next was where we were supposed to talk in a room to every single one an tell them a secret seated in chairs and changing positions with the lights off, holding both hands while doing so, the first talks were wasted due to the shyness, but at the end the thing became extroverted and open-hearted you could hear some groans and whining in the environment, I had the chance to talk to her, first concealing my thoughts but then she told me about the self-harming and holding her hands I almost cried my eyes out, I was at the edge of confessing her I loved her but I didn't because by then I was told she and the guy were a couple already I had to hold myself back.

It was such a long story wasn't it, at least for me I don't remember have written that much in a while, I'm not a mediocre writer in fact I'm not one so there shouldn't be any complains. From that point we distanced again and I gave up I convinced myself she will never like me and when the college is over I will not see her again yet I don't think its likely to find other girl like she, her uniqueness it's not something you can replace not remotely, abridging everything else I could hug her once at the end of the year in the graduation ceremony, I saw her the last time in the prom, I couldn't dance with her, I don't know how to dance but I wish I did, she was the prettiest, I wish I had told her something that day, or if I could see her again because guess what she erased her facebook account the only mean by which I could see her at least in pictures or have humdrum aimless chats.

Like was said first these thoughts haunt in my mind, they're prowling my soul, I literally dream about her as often as dreams I have and I think about her as long as I have time for it, whenever I pass near her house, sometimes I wonder if I will see her because inventing more excuses for seeing her would make me a stalker given that I no longer have any reasons for doing so nor she want me in her life.